The Submarine
“This is Kimberly Gilfoley of the Dolcett News Network. I’m sitting in the front seat of the first car in the inaugural ride aboard the newest Dolcett Theme Park attraction: The Submarine. I’m wearing my bright yellow one piece swimsuit for reasons which will soon become apparent.”
“Sitting on my left is Jessica Alba; actress, entrepreneur and businesswoman. Thanks for being in the car with me today, Jessica. It is a real honor having you here right next to me.”
“Thank you, Kimberly; I’m glad to be here.”
“I see you’re wearing the light blue bikini you wore in your movie Into The Blue.”
“I thought it would be an appropriate choice of swimwear for the occasion.”
“And let’s not forget our two guests sitting behind us. Sitting right behind me is Jaime Lynn, an avowed thrill seeker. That’s a mighty nice pink bikini you’re wearing, Jaime.”
“Thank you! I’m just so excited to be sitting in the same car as Jessica Alba!”
“Thank you, Jaime; that is very kind of you to say.”
“And sitting behind Jessica is Jaime Lynn’s sister Britney who is wearing a rather fetching black bikini. Are you expecting to get wet on this ride, Britney?”
“You never know, Kimberly; you just never know. Gosh, Jessica; it is such a thrill getting to go on this first ride with you.”
“I’m delighted to have you in the same car with me, Britney.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, the reason you can see us is because the Dolcett News Network has installed a camera in the very front on the nose of this car so you can see all of us. After all, we want you to catch the expressions of everyone on the ride during the entire length of our inaugural trip. Now Jessica, since you have studied this ride and are probably the best prepared of any of us to deal with the consequences, would you please explain to our viewers what is so special about The Submarine?”
“Certainly, Kimberly. You see, this is the Dolcett Theme Park. And as many of you know, each ride carries an inherent danger. Some rides are more dangerous than others while others have a minimum risk, about a 1% chance of peril. But that’s what makes it so exciting, don’t you think …especially for our thrill seekers riding in the backseats; right Jaime and Britney?”
“Oh absolutely, Jessica! It’s the thrill for sure.”
“Although I might not be as excited as my sister Jaime over here, I am still excited to be going on the ride, especially riding behind the famous Jessica Alba.”
“Well Jessica; I briefly mentioned to our viewers that you may be better prepared than the rest of us. Would you care to explain why that may be?”
“Certainly, Kimberly. You see, this ride involves water, and we’re all going to get wet. The water cannons strategically stationed throughout the ride will certainly see to that. But the ultimate danger lies in the randomness of the ride near the very end. You see based on pure randomness, there is a 99% chance we will simply splash across the pond, getting ourselves wet along with anyone standing close enough outside the ride to be watching us.”
“And the other 1%, Jessica?”
“In the event of that 1%, Kimberly, the tracks will diverge and the car will go right down into the water. We will reach the bottom of the pond and stall out nearly ten feet down. Of course there is a chain that will pull the car back up out of the water, similar to the chain that takes you up to the pinnacle of any roller coaster for the jump-off point.”
“And what’s the catch, Jessica?”
“The catch is that the ride might not immediately pull the car you’re riding in right back out. That means you will have to stay submerged holding your breath until the ride chooses to release you. Again, there’s a randomness factored into the equation, so you don’t really know how long you’ll have to hold your breath.”
“And if we go down, Jessica, how long might we have to hold our breath?”
“That depends, Kimberly. I’m told it could be as little as a few seconds… 15 at the very least. I can certainly hold my breath a lot longer than that.”
“Yes you can as we can all attest from having watched your movie Into The Blue. So tell us, Jessica. Just how long might we have to hold our breath before the car is pulled back out of the pond?”
“I’m told it could be as long as five minutes.”
“Five minutes, Jessica? Are you certain about that?”
“That’s what they tell me, Kimberly.”
“And how long did you say you can hold your breath, Jessica?”
“My best times hover right around the 3 minute mark. So if the ride were to keep me down any longer I might not survive. In fact I imagine none of us would.”
“That’s sobering news, Jessica.”
“It certainly is, Kimberly.”
“5 minutes? 5 minutes, Jaime? You never said anything about us having to hold our breath for no 5 minutes!”
“Relax, sis! That’s just if the car happens to go down into the water! That’s why they call this ride The Submarine! We’ve only got a 1% chance of that happening, right Jessica?”
“That’s right, Jaime. But you must remember that 1% chance could happen at any time… or it might not happen for several hours. Despite the risks I see a lot of riders waiting out in line, most who appear to be wearing some sort of swimming attired. But maybe that’s mostly for the water cannons that will be going off throughout the ride.”
“Damnit Jaime, you didn’t tell me we might be under 5 whole minutes?! We could DROWN!!”
“Relax, Britney! We’ll be fine, right Kimberly?”
“I’m sure we’ll probably be just fine, girls.”
“How long can you hold YOUR breath, Kimberly?”
“Well, Jessica, I have never really timed myself. But I suppose I could hold it for about a minute or so if I was pushed.”
“Well, let’s hope this ride doesn’t submerge us in the end or you might just find out how long you really CAN hold your breath!”
“Hehe, that’s right, Jessica. Ok, ladies and gentlemen, I see the attendant is giving us the all-ready signal. So we’re about to launch the inaugural ride to the Dolcett Theme Park’s newest attraction: The Submarine! Ok, girls; are you ready back there?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be, Kimberly! I’m so excited to be taking this ride with you, Jessica.”
“Thank you, Jaime.”
“How about you, Britney?”
“I’m not sure, Kimberly, but I g-guess it’ll be alright.”
“Ok, girls. It looks like we’re about ready to take off now. There’s the start; the car’s moving now!”
“Oh wow; this is so exciting!”
“Speak for yourself, Jaime!”
“You’re not scared, are you, sis?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Aww, we’ll be ok, right Jessica?”
“I sure hope so, girls. I’m not sure I want my lungs to be tested today. But I guess I’m ready for anything.”
“Ok, here we go up the incline now, ladies and gentlemen. And I see it’s a steep incline at that! We’re going to have quite a drop, but I suppose that’s necessary to give us the speed necessary to get completely through the ride. Can you see the water cannons down there, girls? It looks like they are already spraying the tracks!”
“WEE! We’re going to get drenched, Kimberly! C’mon, sis; you look a little green! Lighten up and live a little!”
“Yeah, but what if we don’t live through this?”
“Think of the excitement and the thrill, Brit-Brit! Besides, the camera is recording everything so you might as well have fun! Everyone can see us!”
“Ok, girls, we’re nearing the top. Are you ready, Jessica?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be, Kimberly. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a coaster. I’m not really sure what I was thinking volunteering to get on this one. Remind me to go have a little talk with my agent after we get off.”
“Hahaha; that’s funny, Jessica! Ok, girls… here we gooooaaaAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCK!”
“Britney, this is a live feed! I hope they edited that out back at the studio!”
“AAAUUUGGGHHH – that one really drenched me!! Aren’t you glad you wore your black bikini, Brit-Brit? You’re going to look GREAT on camera all wet like that! You’re still not scared; are you, sis?”
“AAAAAEEEEEEEEEE!! Wow, that was a wicked one, Jessica! Are you doing ok?”
“I think so, Kimberly! But look out for this next one – AAEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“I WANT OFF – I WANT OFF!”
“OH BRIT-BRIT; IT’S JUST A COASTER! LIGHTEN UP, SIS! MORE CANNONS – OH MAN AM I SOAKED!!!”
“One more incline to go, ladies and gentlemen! Then it looks like we’ll face the moment of truth!”
“HERE IT COMES – HERE IT COMES!”
“JAIME LYNN, I’M NEVER GOING ON ANOTHER RIDE WITH YOU IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!!”
“LIGHTEN UP, SIS!”
“I can see where the track splits down below us, Jessica.”
“Yes, Kimberly, I see it too. We’re going down now and… oh SHIT! EVERYBODY HOLD YOUR BREATH!”
“JAIME LYNN, YOU BITCH – gluburglubrlugltg!”
Oh shit! Oh shit! I can’t believe the very first ride took us under! Now how long are we going to have to wait?
I see Kimberly’s holding her breath already. Her cheeks are bulging, but she seems to be doing ok. I wonder how the girls are doing behind us.
Uh – oh. Britney’s not doing so well. It looks like her sister is trying to help keep her calm. I hope we’re not down here very long. Let me pull my watch up so I can tell how long it’s been. Shit, I should have done that the moment we hit the water. Oh well, we sure put out a big splash… drenched everybody out there watching us.
Is this camera still on? I can see the red light; is it recording? I hope we don’t all drown down here. I would hate for that to be recorded to show the whole damn world. What the fuck was I thinking getting on this damn ride to begin with?
Oh fuck; I think we’re going past 30 seconds. I hope those girls back there can hold on. Girls, how are you doing back there?
Uh –oh; Britney looks bad. Oh shit, she looks really bad. And Jaime Lynn no longer has that ’thrill seeker’ look on her face. I’ll bet she’s really scared!
Kimberly, are you ok? She’s nodding at me; she seems to be ok. She’ll probably be fine so long as we don’t go over a minute or so. But I can’t vouch for the girls back there behind us.
No Britney; don’t panic! Don’t panic! Oh gawd; I can see her lungs heaving! She’s really having those spasms now! I don’t think she’s going to be able to hold it much longer. Jaime looks like she’s holding on though.
Kimberly has turned to look back at them. Don’t look back, Kimberly. You don’t want to watch a girl drown! It’s not a pretty… oh NO!! Britney just inhaled!! OH GAWD; SHE’S DROWNING! SHE’S REALLY DROWNING!
AND LOOK AT HER SISTER!! JAIME LYNN IS REALLY SCARED NOW!! SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S ABOUT TO LOSE IT ANY SEC – OH GAWD; SHE JUST COUGHED UP BUBBLES! THEY’RE BOTH DROWNING!!
HEY, YOU GUYS BEHIND THE CAMERA! CAN’T YOU GET US OUT OF HERE?? WE’VE GOT TWO GIRLS DROWNING BACK HERE!! GET US UP; GET US UP!!
Fuck; I can’t get out of this seat! They strapped us in really good! What the hell; do they want to watch us all drown down here? What is the matter with them??!!
Oh gawd! Britney is really spasming and… noo… now she’s just sitting there with a shocked look on her face. Just a few bubbles coming out of her gaping mouth now! And there’s nothing I could have done to help her!
Her sister is really coughing up bubbles now. I can tell how badly it must hurt for her to drown! She’s really spasming painfully. Now she’s settling down with her mouth open too!
Damnit; we just lost both sisters! And those bastards televised it on live TV. Kimberly, I hope you and your Network are happy about this!!
I see she is motioning at the camera now with a horrified look on her face. She looks scared and her chest is really starting to heave. What’s the matter: didn’t expect your network to be so willing to sacrifice one of their own reporters? Stupid bitch!
She looks like she is really struggling to hold it now. Well, Kimberly; did you like what you saw? Was it all you hoped it would be? This is a crazy park and you wanted to be in the inaugural ride! I hope you’re happy now!!
Let me check my watch and… uh-oh. Are we going for 90 seconds? That’s not good! Kimberly, can you hang on that long? Hang on, Kimberly; hang on! Oh fuck; I can see she’s about to lose it!
I wonder if I should share my air with her. But what if they keep us down here longer? We could both end up drowning! I might need it for myself! Damn; I can already feel it in my lungs a little! HANG ON, KIMBERLY, DAMN YOU…
Noo! Now she just coughed up bubbles and she’s drowning too! Hey you guys watching from that fucking camera! Can’t you get us out of here? You’re about to lose your anchorette! Get us the hell out of here already, ok? Hasn’t it been long enough? Do you really want to watch another drowning just to satisfy your snuff perversions??
I can’t…get out of this seat! I guess they don’t want us to get out when we come down here! They want us to ride it out one way or the other!
Oh gawd; Kimberly’s really convulsing! She’s gulping great lungfuls of water now! And I can’t do a damn thing for her! Yes, you could have, Jessica! You could have shared your air with her, you selfish bastard! She’s heaving and convulsing and drowning, and it’s all your fault! Just look at her; it must hurt like hell!!
Now she’s settling down. There go a few bubbles out of her mouth! Hey, you bastards behind the camera; are you satisfied now? You’ve drowned three women on this ride so far; are you satisfied?
How long has it been? Oh fuck; I think they’re keeping us down past 2 minutes! No, damn you! I don’t want to drown down here! Get us up, damn you!
Stay calm, Jessica; stay calm. It shouldn’t be much longer now. Surely the randomness will kick in and the machine will bring us back up!
Oh, I can really feel it in my stomach now! Got to force it back down. Got to gulp my air back down. Fuck; how long has it been? Not past 2:30; don’t take me past 2:30??!!
Oh fuck! We’re going past 2:30! It really hurts now! If they take us past 3:00 I’m so fucking screwed!! It hurts like hell; I can barely hold it now!
C’mon, you bastards; take us up already! Do you really want a fourth one?! Do you really want to drown us all??
Wait; did the car just jerk forward? Are we moving?? YES, I THINK WE’RE MOVING!! WE’RE CLIMBING UP OUT OF THE WATER!! HURRY, DAMN YOU; HURRY!! If only I can hold it just a few seconds longer… WE’RE OUT!!!
Oh, FUCK; that was close!! I’m really gasping for breath here!! Damn, the others aren’t moving at all! They’re just sitting there staring off into space! I think they drowned for sure! Aren’t they going to come get them out and administer CPR??!!
“You what?? You want me to say something into the camera? Well, I’m not sure what to say… yes, I know it’s in the contract I signed. Fine, damn you; I’ll say something!”
“Hello, everybody. This is, uh… Jessica Alba reporting… I guess. As you can see, the randomness of the ride kept us down for a total of 3:00. I’m not really sure how I managed to hold my breath that long. It’s been awhile since I was in any kind of water doing a major stunt like that! I guess my natural breath-holding instincts sort of kicked in.”
“So as you can see, this can be the result if you choose to come on down and ride The Submarine. There’s only a 1% chance of getting drowned… but you can see it does happen! And it WILL happen again! But I can tell by all the people standing out in line that they can’t wait to go for a ride. I don’t see anybody having gotten out of line from where we were here at the starting point earlier. And I suppose a lot of people were up there watching us when we went under, so I expect they saw the others drown. I guess you never know about people. Maybe they all think they’re too young to die.”
“I’m supposed to what? … look into the camera and sign off? Ok, uh… this is Jessica Alba for the Dolcett News Network saying thanks for watching and, uh… have a pleasant day…”
“Is it off now; is the camera turned off? It is? Then would somebody please get me the hell out of this contraption before I throw up??”
© 2015 (written Jul 14 ’15 by riwa)
(Inspired by APDamien’s “Dolcett Theme Park” idea in this thread http://www.dolcettish.com/index.php?topic=5940.0)