<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is Kimberly Gilfoley of the Dolcett News Network. I\u2019m sitting in the front seat of the first car in the inaugural ride aboard the newest Dolcett Theme Park attraction: The Submarine. I\u2019m wearing my bright yellow one piece swimsuit for reasons which will soon become apparent.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSitting on my left is Jessica Alba; actress, entrepreneur and businesswoman. Thanks for being in the car with me today, Jessica. It is a real honor having you here right next to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you, Kimberly; I\u2019m glad to be here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI see you\u2019re wearing the light blue bikini you wore in your movie Into The Blue.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought it would be an appropriate choice of swimwear for the occasion.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd let\u2019s not forget our two guests sitting behind us. Sitting right behind me is Jaime Lynn, an avowed thrill seeker. That\u2019s a mighty nice pink bikini you\u2019re wearing, Jaime.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you! I\u2019m just so excited to be sitting in the same car as Jessica Alba!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you, Jaime; that is very kind of you to say.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd sitting behind Jessica is Jaime Lynn\u2019s sister Britney who is wearing a rather fetching black bikini. Are you expecting to get wet on this ride, Britney?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never know, Kimberly; you just never know. Gosh, Jessica; it is such a thrill getting to go on this first ride with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m delighted to have you in the same car with me, Britney.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLadies and gentlemen, the reason you can see us is because the Dolcett News Network has installed a camera in the very front on the nose of this car so you can see all of us. After all, we want you to catch the expressions of everyone on the ride during the entire length of our inaugural trip. Now Jessica, since you have studied this ride and are probably the best prepared of any of us to deal with the consequences, would you please explain to our viewers what is so special about The Submarine?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCertainly, Kimberly. You see, this is the Dolcett Theme Park. And as many of you know, each ride carries an inherent danger. Some rides are more dangerous than others while others have a minimum risk, about a 1% chance of peril. But that\u2019s what makes it so exciting, don\u2019t you think \u2026especially for our thrill seekers riding in the backseats; right Jaime and Britney?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh absolutely, Jessica! It\u2019s the thrill for sure.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlthough I might not be as excited as my sister Jaime over here, I am still excited to be going on the ride, especially riding behind the famous Jessica Alba.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell Jessica; I briefly mentioned to our viewers that you may be better prepared than the rest of us. Would you care to explain why that may be?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCertainly, Kimberly. You see, this ride involves water, and we\u2019re all going to get wet. The water cannons strategically stationed throughout the ride will certainly see to that. But the ultimate danger lies in the randomness of the ride near the very end. You see based on pure randomness, there is a 99% chance we will simply splash across the pond, getting ourselves wet along with anyone standing close enough outside the ride to be watching us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the other 1%, Jessica?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn the event of that 1%, Kimberly, the tracks will diverge and the car will go right down into the water. We will reach the bottom of the pond and stall out nearly ten feet down. Of course there is a chain that will pull the car back up out of the water, similar to the chain that takes you up to the pinnacle of any roller coaster for the jump-off point.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what\u2019s the catch, Jessica?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe catch is that the ride might not immediately pull the car you\u2019re riding in right back out. That means you will have to stay submerged holding your breath until the ride chooses to release you. Again, there\u2019s a randomness factored into the equation, so you don\u2019t really know how long you\u2019ll have to hold your breath.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if we go down, Jessica, how long might we have to hold our breath?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat depends, Kimberly. I\u2019m told it could be as little as a few seconds\u2026 15 at the very least. I can certainly hold my breath a lot longer than that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes you can as we can all attest from having watched your movie Into The Blue. So tell us, Jessica. Just how long might we have to hold our breath before the car is pulled back out of the pond?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m told it could be as long as five minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFive minutes, Jessica? Are you certain about that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s what they tell me, Kimberly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd how long did you say you can hold your breath, Jessica?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy best times hover right around the 3 minute mark. So if the ride were to keep me down any longer I might not survive. In fact I imagine none of us would.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s sobering news, Jessica.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt certainly is, Kimberly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c5 minutes? 5 minutes, Jaime? You never said anything about us having to hold our breath for no 5 minutes!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRelax, sis! That\u2019s just if the car happens to go down into the water! That\u2019s why they call this ride The Submarine! We\u2019ve only got a 1% chance of that happening, right Jessica?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s right, Jaime. But you must remember that 1% chance could happen at any time\u2026 or it might not happen for several hours. Despite the risks I see a lot of riders waiting out in line, most who appear to be wearing some sort of swimming attired. But maybe that\u2019s mostly for the water cannons that will be going off throughout the ride.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDamnit Jaime, you didn\u2019t tell me we might be under 5 whole minutes?! We could DROWN!!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRelax, Britney! We\u2019ll be fine, right Kimberly?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sure we\u2019ll probably be just fine, girls.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow long can you hold YOUR breath, Kimberly?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, Jessica, I have never really timed myself. But I suppose I could hold it for about a minute or so if I was pushed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, let\u2019s hope this ride doesn\u2019t submerge us in the end or you might just find out how long you really CAN hold your breath!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHehe, that\u2019s right, Jessica. Ok, ladies and gentlemen, I see the attendant is giving us the all-ready signal. So we\u2019re about to launch the inaugural ride to the Dolcett Theme Park\u2019s newest attraction: The Submarine! Ok, girls; are you ready back there?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReady as I\u2019ll ever be, Kimberly! I\u2019m so excited to be taking this ride with you, Jessica.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you, Jaime.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow about you, Britney?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not sure, Kimberly, but I g-guess it\u2019ll be alright.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOk, girls. It looks like we\u2019re about ready to take off now. There\u2019s the start; the car\u2019s moving now!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh wow; this is so exciting!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSpeak for yourself, Jaime!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not scared, are you, sis?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe a little.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAww, we\u2019ll be ok, right Jessica?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI sure hope so, girls. I\u2019m not sure I want my lungs to be tested today. But I guess I\u2019m ready for anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOk, here we go up the incline now, ladies and gentlemen. And I see it\u2019s a steep incline at that! We\u2019re going to have quite a drop, but I suppose that\u2019s necessary to give us the speed necessary to get completely through the ride. Can you see the water cannons down there, girls? It looks like they are already spraying the tracks!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWEE! We\u2019re going to get drenched, Kimberly! C\u2019mon, sis; you look a little green! Lighten up and live a little!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, but what if we don\u2019t live through this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThink of the excitement and the thrill, Brit-Brit! Besides, the camera is recording everything so you might as well have fun! Everyone can see us!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOk, girls, we\u2019re nearing the top. Are you ready, Jessica?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReady as I\u2019ll ever be, Kimberly. It\u2019s been a long time since I\u2019ve been on a coaster. I\u2019m not really sure what I was thinking volunteering to get on this one. Remind me to go have a little talk with my agent after we get off.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHahaha; that\u2019s funny, Jessica! Ok, girls\u2026 here we gooooaaaAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEE!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCK!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBritney, this is a live feed! I hope they edited that out back at the studio!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAAAUUUGGGHHH \u2013 that one really drenched me!! Aren\u2019t you glad you wore your black bikini, Brit-Brit? You\u2019re going to look GREAT on camera all wet like that! You\u2019re still not scared; are you, sis?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAAAAAEEEEEEEEEE!! Wow, that was a wicked one, Jessica! Are you doing ok?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think so, Kimberly! But look out for this next one \u2013 AAEEEEEEEEEEE!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI WANT OFF \u2013 I WANT OFF!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOH BRIT-BRIT; IT\u2019S JUST A COASTER! LIGHTEN UP, SIS! MORE CANNONS \u2013 OH MAN AM I SOAKED!!!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOne more incline to go, ladies and gentlemen! Then it looks like we\u2019ll face the moment of truth!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHERE IT COMES \u2013 HERE IT COMES!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJAIME LYNN, I\u2019M NEVER GOING ON ANOTHER RIDE WITH YOU IF IT\u2019S THE LAST THING I DO!!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLIGHTEN UP, SIS!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can see where the track splits down below us, Jessica.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, Kimberly, I see it too. We\u2019re going down now and\u2026 oh SHIT! EVERYBODY HOLD YOUR BREATH!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJAIME LYNN, YOU BITCH \u2013 gluburglubrlugltg!\u201d<\/p>\n
Oh shit! Oh shit! I can\u2019t believe the very first ride took us under! Now how long are we going to have to wait?<\/em><\/p>\n I see Kimberly\u2019s holding her breath already. Her cheeks are bulging, but she seems to be doing ok. I wonder how the girls are doing behind us.<\/em><\/p>\n Uh \u2013 oh. Britney\u2019s not doing so well. It looks like her sister is trying to help keep her calm. I hope we\u2019re not down here very long. Let me pull my watch up so I can tell how long it\u2019s been. Shit, I should have done that the moment we hit the water. Oh well, we sure put out a big splash\u2026 drenched everybody out there watching us.<\/em><\/p>\n Is this camera still on? I can see the red light; is it recording? I hope we don\u2019t all drown down here. I would hate for that to be recorded to show the whole damn world. What the fuck was I thinking getting on this damn ride to begin with?<\/em><\/p>\n Oh fuck; I think we\u2019re going past 30 seconds. I hope those girls back there can hold on. Girls, how are you doing back there?<\/em><\/p>\n Uh \u2013oh; Britney looks bad. Oh shit, she looks really bad. And Jaime Lynn no longer has that \u2019thrill seeker\u2019 look on her face. I\u2019ll bet she\u2019s really scared!<\/em><\/p>\n Kimberly, are you ok? She\u2019s nodding at me; she seems to be ok. She\u2019ll probably be fine so long as we don\u2019t go over a minute or so. But I can\u2019t vouch for the girls back there behind us.<\/em><\/p>\n No Britney; don\u2019t panic! Don\u2019t panic! Oh gawd; I can see her lungs heaving! She\u2019s really having those spasms now! I don\u2019t think she\u2019s going to be able to hold it much longer. Jaime looks like she\u2019s holding on though.<\/em><\/p>\n Kimberly has turned to look back at them. Don\u2019t look back, Kimberly. You don\u2019t want to watch a girl drown! It\u2019s not a pretty\u2026 oh NO!! Britney just inhaled!! OH GAWD; SHE\u2019S DROWNING! SHE\u2019S REALLY DROWNING!<\/em><\/p>\n AND LOOK AT HER SISTER!! JAIME LYNN IS REALLY SCARED NOW!! SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE\u2019S ABOUT TO LOSE IT ANY SEC \u2013 OH GAWD; SHE JUST COUGHED UP BUBBLES! THEY\u2019RE BOTH DROWNING!!<\/em><\/p>\n HEY, YOU GUYS BEHIND THE CAMERA! CAN\u2019T YOU GET US OUT OF HERE?? WE\u2019VE GOT TWO GIRLS DROWNING BACK HERE!! GET US UP; GET US UP!!<\/em><\/p>\n Fuck; I can\u2019t get out of this seat! They strapped us in really good! What the hell; do they want to watch us all drown down here? What is the matter with them??!!<\/em><\/p>\n Oh gawd! Britney is really spasming and\u2026 noo\u2026 now she\u2019s just sitting there with a shocked look on her face. Just a few bubbles coming out of her gaping mouth now! And there\u2019s nothing I could have done to help her!<\/em><\/p>\n Her sister is really coughing up bubbles now. I can tell how badly it must hurt for her to drown! She\u2019s really spasming painfully. Now she\u2019s settling down with her mouth open too!<\/em><\/p>\n Damnit; we just lost both sisters! And those bastards televised it on live TV. Kimberly, I hope you and your Network are happy about this!!<\/em><\/p>\n I see she is motioning at the camera now with a horrified look on her face. She looks scared and her chest is really starting to heave. What\u2019s the matter: didn\u2019t expect your network to be so willing to sacrifice one of their own reporters? Stupid bitch!<\/em><\/p>\n She looks like she is really struggling to hold it now. Well, Kimberly; did you like what you saw? Was it all you hoped it would be? This is a crazy park and you wanted to be in the inaugural ride! I hope you\u2019re happy now!!<\/em><\/p>\n Let me check my watch and\u2026 uh-oh. Are we going for 90 seconds? That\u2019s not good! Kimberly, can you hang on that long? Hang on, Kimberly; hang on! Oh fuck; I can see she\u2019s about to lose it!<\/em><\/p>\n I wonder if I should share my air with her. But what if they keep us down here longer? We could both end up drowning! I might need it for myself! Damn; I can already feel it in my lungs a little! HANG ON, KIMBERLY, DAMN YOU\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n Noo! Now she just coughed up bubbles and she\u2019s drowning too! Hey you guys watching from that fucking camera! Can\u2019t you get us out of here? You\u2019re about to lose your anchorette! Get us the hell out of here already, ok? Hasn\u2019t it been long enough? Do you really want to watch another drowning just to satisfy your snuff perversions??<\/em><\/p>\n I can\u2019t\u2026get out of this seat! I guess they don\u2019t want us to get out when we come down here! They want us to ride it out one way or the other!<\/em><\/p>\n Oh gawd; Kimberly\u2019s really convulsing! She\u2019s gulping great lungfuls of water now! And I can\u2019t do a damn thing for her! Yes, you could have, Jessica! You could have shared your air with her, you selfish bastard! She\u2019s heaving and convulsing and drowning, and it\u2019s all your fault! Just look at her; it must hurt like hell!!<\/em><\/p>\n Now she\u2019s settling down. There go a few bubbles out of her mouth! Hey, you bastards behind the camera; are you satisfied now? You\u2019ve drowned three women on this ride so far; are you satisfied?<\/em><\/p>\n How long has it been? Oh fuck; I think they\u2019re keeping us down past 2 minutes! No, damn you! I don\u2019t want to drown down here! Get us up, damn you!<\/em><\/p>\n Stay calm, Jessica; stay calm. It shouldn\u2019t be much longer now. Surely the randomness will kick in and the machine will bring us back up!<\/em><\/p>\n Oh, I can really feel it in my stomach now! Got to force it back down. Got to gulp my air back down. Fuck; how long has it been? Not past 2:30; don\u2019t take me past 2:30??!!<\/em><\/p>\n Oh fuck! We\u2019re going past 2:30! It really hurts now! If they take us past 3:00 I\u2019m so fucking screwed!! It hurts like hell; I can barely hold it now!<\/em><\/p>\n C\u2019mon, you bastards; take us up already! Do you really want a fourth one?! Do you really want to drown us all??<\/em><\/p>\n Wait; did the car just jerk forward? Are we moving?? YES, I THINK WE\u2019RE MOVING!! WE\u2019RE CLIMBING UP OUT OF THE WATER!! HURRY, DAMN YOU; HURRY!! If only I can hold it just a few seconds longer\u2026 WE\u2019RE OUT!!!<\/em><\/p>\n Oh, FUCK; that was close!! I\u2019m really gasping for breath here!! Damn, the others aren\u2019t moving at all! They\u2019re just sitting there staring off into space! I think they drowned for sure! Aren\u2019t they going to come get them out and administer CPR??!!<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou what?? You want me to say something into the camera? Well, I\u2019m not sure what to say\u2026 yes, I know it\u2019s in the contract I signed. Fine, damn you; I\u2019ll say something!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHello, everybody. This is, uh\u2026 Jessica Alba reporting\u2026 I guess. As you can see, the randomness of the ride kept us down for a total of 3:00. I\u2019m not really sure how I managed to hold my breath that long. It\u2019s been awhile since I was in any kind of water doing a major stunt like that! I guess my natural breath-holding instincts sort of kicked in.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo as you can see, this can be the result if you choose to come on down and ride The Submarine. There\u2019s only a 1% chance of getting drowned\u2026 but you can see it does happen! And it WILL happen again! But I can tell by all the people standing out in line that they can\u2019t wait to go for a ride. I don\u2019t see anybody having gotten out of line from where we were here at the starting point earlier. And I suppose a lot of people were up there watching us when we went under, so I expect they saw the others drown. I guess you never know about people. Maybe they all think they\u2019re too young to die.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m supposed to what? \u2026 look into the camera and sign off? Ok, uh\u2026 this is Jessica Alba for the Dolcett News Network saying thanks for watching and, uh\u2026 have a pleasant day\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIs it off now; is the camera turned off? It is? Then would somebody please get me the hell out of this contraption before I throw up??\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a9 2015 (written Jul 14 \u201915 by riwa)<\/p>\n (Inspired by APDamien\u2019s \u201cDolcett Theme Park\u201d idea in this thread http:\/\/www.dolcettish.com\/index.php?topic=5940.0<\/a>)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A reporter, a celebrity and two lucky girls get to take the first inaugural ride of the Dolcett Theme Park’s newest attraction: the Submarine. It is a roller coaster with a twist: on every ride the car has a 1% random chance of becoming totally submerged and taking all four riders down with it. Continue reading